Chinese Pornographic Cartoon Review: Sweet Home

Sweet Home is a three-episode hentai that basically asks a simple question. Have you ever been kicked out of your apartment due to not paying the rent, angry neighbors playing awful loud rap music, or because it got set on fire? Well what if you had to move back home, but instead of your parents living there, a bunch of women who are horny for your cock were waiting for you instead? Sweet Home doesn’t even waste time to answer that question, as literally within the first few seconds of the first episode, the guy we’re meant to project onto has his dick out ready to penetrate the feisty one before we can get any context for what’s going on.

But who cares about plot in porn? Not this anime obviously, because I think there are only five minutes max in the entire three episodes that don’t have sex in it. That’s a little less than two minutes in each episode dedicated to something you can actually show your kids. And each episode is about 20 minutes long, including opening and ending credits, rather than the usual 22-25 minute length, because the producers were smart people who realized that you have to cut off at the climax in order to leave a lasting impression on the viewers and padding things out with plot is a terrible idea that most anime these days need to stop doing. So 90% of the anime is horny sex. That’s an A if I ever saw one.

Before you ask, yes a lot of the sex is repeated thrusting whilst the camera pans to the right, left, up, down, around, and through in order to give off the notion that this is how sex works. Then when the animators decide they’ve milked the scene enough, they go to another one where the male and female do it in a different position. And oh god, are these positions rough. There are a lot of scenes where the girls take it up the ass and I think there’s even some ass-to-mouth. I could go on about these, but I’m not reviewing a hentai based on the sex. That’s for an actual porn site who cares about that shit.

The three episodes are necessary because there are five women and they want to give each one a shot at 1-1’ng the dude rather than go the Honoo No Haramase route of piling two-five girls on him at a time. That’s (spoiler) for the fucking ending! It’s also necessary because each sex scene is fucking long. Longer than most people can actually last when it comes to sex, which is yet another bullet I’m going to put into my “porn is a lie” gun when it comes time to fire it. So much for what I said about not padding for time, huh?

The basic reason for each woman to fuck the guy is either because one of them overheard the loud noises and wanted to try out the cock themselves, or because the guy’s dick pulls out just when one of them is around. Hey, I’ve seen worse reasons (like the male is a rapist). Sweet Home also makes it very clear that besides the sex, the girls aren’t into the guy whatsoever. Every after-sex discussion is accompanied with some naked time dialogue regarding how much fun the sex was (except for when the smallest one gets fucked. I think the semen was like a love potion for her). This is necessary to clarify because in order for the guy to be allowed to have sex with five different women in a country where polygamy is illegal, you need to make sure no icky romance is involved. After all, there’s no law that says you can’t have sex with more than one person, amirite?

And like I hinted at earlier, Sweet Home decides to end on the biggest climax of all time by having its last episode set on a beach, having everybody’s brand new swimsuits go to waste, and having a massive beach orgy that lasts until sunset. And then promising to do it again once they go back to the hotel, although how they’ll explain the fact that all there swimsuits are gone is a mystery to me (seriously, where do the clothes disappear to in this shit?). It’s wish-fulfillment porn on the same constructed level as Haganai. Hate it all you want, but damn is it effective towards its audience.

All in all, if you’re the kind of sick fuck who enjoys this kind of stuff (quit looking at me with those eyes, guys!), Sweet Home will be right up your alley. It’s raunchy without being disgusting, the girls are sexy, the guy is alright for the genre (which isn’t saying much) and not that bad of a self-insert, and aside from some repeated (sex) scenes from previous episodes (with a white filter, because we need to censor things further), everything is paced well to the point that the only way that you’ll get bored is if your body gets tired three minutes in…because you realize that you’re watching 2-D girls who aren’t real getting their tits out and then moan about how sad and low your life is.

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Stingers

• Personally, when it comes to beach sex, I prefer Hammer Mermaid.
• Seriously, where do the clothes go once people take them off?